shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
