I'm so fucking centered right now
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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