my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
