OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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