Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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