Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
