I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
