I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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