im holly from the hills drunk
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
