I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my shit smells like andre
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
