i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
