Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize