best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
