How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
