I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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