i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
