the condom got lost in my hair
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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