She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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