think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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