Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
