Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Randomize