this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize