Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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