I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
