I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
