Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
