Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
