I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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