The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
