Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize