Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
