This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
