Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I party with great urgency now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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