I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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