I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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