he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
