yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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