hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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