I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
