Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
