im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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