Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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