I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize