she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
