party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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