If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
