Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
