Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
where does the pee come out of this thing
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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