I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
