You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
