Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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