the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
