The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Im part way to drunk.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
