I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
