It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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