the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want her autograph on my taint
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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