I'm so fucking centered right now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
