dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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