You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
